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I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant this cycle. Scratch that. I'm not fucking pregnant. And not being pregnant is pretty hard to think about.

DPO after DPO - and nothing. I hated coming to this blog with nothing to write about.

My boobs aren't sore.
I'm not bloated.
I've got just as much gas as I would any other day of the month.
No metal taste in the mouth.
No implantation cramps.
No implantation bleeding.
My cervix is like a yo-yo- there's no rhyme or reason to that damn thing.
Cervical mucus? Hell I think I always have cervical mucus. 

Two BFNs. One at 10 DPO and one at 12DPO. 

Not. Fucking. Pregnant. 

This message brought to you by First Response. 

Go. Or No Go. Which Is It People?!

Let me preface this story by saying the OBGYN I picked first couldn't perform my D&C. So I had to call another one who could. I've been seeing the second OB for post-op check ups, but I had planned on returning to my first OB when I get pregnant again.  Had planned, being the key phrase here.

I called my first OBGYN, the one I liked, and told the nurse we were trying again. I was happy about it. Triumphant even. It was an "I'm back bitch!" kind of moment. 

The nurse freaked out. 

She said it was impossible for me to have had two periods this soon. I had the D&C October 12, I had my first period October 22. My second period came along November 13. She actually said, "...let me get this straight..."

I know what "let me get this straight," means. It means bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. 

She said, and I quote, "I am going to bet you that what you think was your first period wasn't your period."

Uh, excuse me? I know what a period feels like and I'm sure I had two. That's one thing my body does that's not so much a mystery any more-that bleeding once a month thing. 

Plus, I'm not overly used to being told I'm wrong. From anyone. I'm the one with the answers right? I'm the one in control....right? Right???? Dead wrong. Not this time. Not here. Not in these miserable moments of TTC. 

Our conversation after that turned into one of those childish he said she said moments and I said, "but my other OB said that it did sound like my period and she said it was normal." 

And the nurse said, "But obviously your cycles are still off because your second period came too quick."

And I said, "But my other OB said that was fine, and she's having me come to the lab on Monday to check my progesterone levels."

And the nurse said, "Surely she doesn't think you'll be pregnant." 

And finally she ended the argument with a roundhouse kick to my face, "I recommend you not try again until February." 

I cried after that phone call in my office. And then I didn't check my makeup and went to court. Total mascara fail.

Cover Girl let me down.  

If there's any moral or point to this story it would be this, sometimes you have to go with your gut. 

We're picking the advice we like the best and screw the other one.

First TWW 1 DPO: Continued

From 9:30 am to 2:30pm the symptoms are as follows:
Boobs: nothing
CM: dry
Cervix: High, soft, closed
Temp: I don't temp
OPK: I think I'm done testing
Cramps: Twinges every now and then

NOTE: Yesterday I had a headache and tons of the right kind of CM around 12:30pm. 

Conclusion: no symptoms.

Look I'm not an idiot, I know there's like zero chance of having any pregnancy symptoms at 1 DPO. But I've got to do something to pass the time. 

First TWW: 1 DPO &....Mars

Officially in the first Two Week Wait. Meaning, I had a surge, we BD'd, I think I O'd yesterday, so today is Day 1. 

No, I don't temp. Not yet. And yes, we only BD'd  once this cycle. The day I got the positive. We were at my mom's okay, stop judging.

This is going to be, hopefully, a running commentary full of what I'm sure will be a crazy symptom spotting, boob squeezing, mucus checking, dialogue with myself. And today is Day 1. 

I woke at 8:30 am. Sunday. I woke up tired. Okay. I fixed breakfast (pop tarts- I know, go me), cleaned the kitchen, and started a load of laundry. 

9:30 am. My husband walked into the kitchen with his plastic Star Wars cup that he uses as a coffee cup. Yes we have coffee cups. We have a ton of coffee cups. He just likes that cup. 

He walked into the kitchen and popped out the old K-cup. We have one of those cool at first then later impossibly annoying and expensive Keurig coffee makers. I mean, $10 for a box of 10 coffee K-cups! He popped in a new cup, snapped the lid shut, and punched the button. Our Keurig coffee maker sounds like it's lifting off when it's fixing a brew. 

BRRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRBRBRBRBRRGLGUGLGUGLUG g guggugugugg guzzle hiiiiiiisssssssssssss.   

Steam curled off the top of Obi Wan's head and I saw the plastic cup melt a little. No, he doesn't care that he's melting a perfectly good one dollar plastic cup from the Dollar Store. Nor does he care about  the flecks of paint and plastic melting into his coffee.   

"We're in the two week wait," I said to him. 

No, he doesn't know what that means.

His response? He found evidence of life on Mars. 

How does a wife react to a husband who seriously thinks he discovered life on Mars? 

"That's nice." 

"You don't believe me."

Well no... "It's not that I don't believe you... I just don't...," care, "...think it's that big of a deal." 

If the NASA rover discovered a stash of Martians planning a Martian New Year's Eve party I wouldn't give two shits so long as I was still getting BFN's. 

"You'll see," he said, "When NASA makes the announcement, I was the first one to know!" 

"Okay hun." ....Meanwhile....Oh my god my boobs feel sore! 

Cycle Day 1 - Again

I started my second cycle November 13. I woke up to it. It was a nice little, whoa before my morning coffee. It was five/six days early. 

Before my D&C I had pretty regular cycles, 28/30 days. Nothing crazy. Now, I have no idea. It's like I'm 13 and starting my period for the first time. 

BUT since this marks the beginning of my second cycle it means we are free to start trying again! Whoo hoo! 

That wasn't an accurate expression of my true excitement. I say again: WHOOOOOOOO HOOOOO!

And let me just say, In my experience peeing on an HPT is like taking your car to the car wash. Want rain? Wash your car. Want a period? Pee on a stick.

Symptom Spotting: Sense of Smell

Heightened Sense of Smell. Before I was pregnant the first time I had no idea what this meant. I equated it to Spiderman, like getting spidey-senses from a spider bite. So I waited on something that cool to happen.

Some articles describe women throwing up at the smell of their favorite hand lotion, or running for the hills at the slightest hint of the odor of eggs. And I'm not saying those aren't true examples. I'm just saying its not always like that, and for me those articles were pretty misleading.

When I walked by my co-worker's office and smelled the Dr. Pepper in the cup on her desk I didn't think wow Peter Parker would be amazed. Or when I caught a whiff of cheese-its and knew my five year old step-daughter was sneaking snacks before dinner, I didn't think that was necessarily a mind blowing experience.

I noticed a heightened sense of smell in a much less noticeable way. A more practical way. When I was pregnant I could find a dog turd in any corner of the house. (We have a puppy in potty training). And now that I'm symptom spotting for the second time, knowing what I know now, I'm much less dismissive when the cheese dip in the crock pot smells like pumpkin pie.  

On an unrelated note, I'm listening to Nicki Minaj. What the hell is "pelican fly?"

Eating With the Dead

My two previous ramblings about the Indian Funeral had a point. And that point is, the tribe of my husband believes that in the hours after the burial the dead will share with the family a last meal, a feast.

We shared a meal with my husband's grandmother, after her family took up shovels and rakes, took off jackets and hats, and buried her themselves. The men dispatched by the county to take care of such things stood in the background in their faded denim, watching the family take up their shovels.

Grapes of Wrath dirt makes a terrible lonely and hollow thud when it hits a casket 6 feet deep. Being Baptist, I'd never heard such a sound. Baptists don't usually bury their dead. We don't eat with them either...

But my husband's tribe does. And during the feast, while I sat behind my husband, spouses can't sit beside the blood-kin, I thought about our little one, gone too soon. The family probably wondered why the white girl was crying on her fry bread.

I didn't just eat with his grandmother. I ate with my baby too.

The Effect of Not Knowing

I'm putting myself through agony. My husband and I BD'd November 1 and November 8. I O'd somewhere in between those days.  

I've counted from October 22nd to today, and to yesterday, and to the day before that. I've counted so many times I have to count again to make sure what day this is. And still I'm not sure. Is it 8dpo? Or 6? Or 7? 

And every online ovulation calculator, calendar, chart, etc says something different. I might as well not even waste my time relying on those. But I will. Because I can't help it. The process is such a mystery, so uncontrollable, so stealthy, so secretive in my own body that it doesn't even seem fair! 

Why is my body keeping secrets from me! Or did it tell me, and I wasn't listening???  That's the real agonizing question. And then I started wondering, was that cervical mucus stretchier than I thought it was? Did I feel twinges the other day? Is this stuffy nose trying to tell me something?

When I'm lying on the bathroom floor with legs spread and feet on the counter and finger in my yoo-hoo up to my knuckle and I'm thinking, is it open, or closed...open...it feels soft, what does hard feel like..am I even touching my cervix...-Okay that's when I know this baby making thing has gone beyond rational.  

But whatever. When I go to the bathroom at work I don't care if  my co-workers wonder why I'm taking so long in there. I check my panties, I look at the toilet paper, I look for mucus. I pull my shirt up and look at my boobs, are they bigger, is that a vein, are my nipples sore, are they tender, do they stand out more? 

And then the following day I think...was my cervix soft yesterday? Or did I imagine that.