Big Fat Negative

Not Pregnant.

I'm around 9DPO or 10DPO...maybe. I didn't track so I have no idea when I ovulated. It's my first cycle after the D&C so I don't even know if I'll have a 28 day cycle. But I'm obsessed with being pregnant. 

It is literally all. I. think. about!

At Target today I found myself in the pregnancy aisle. "Found myself," isn't exactly accurate. I walked over there on purpose. When I didn't see the tests near prenatal vitamins or lube I hunted them down. But I like to think it was a "whoops" moment, like oh what have we here? And, don't mind if I do.

I bought the 6 day advance early pregnancy test. Not the digital Cadillacs but by no means a jalopy. I had to pee at Target. No, despite what you just thought I did not check at Target. Although it did cross my mind. 

I pee'd on it when I got home, in secret. I hid the remaining stick in my makeup bag. I didn't tell my husband. 

It was negative, of course. I didn't expect it to be positive. But then again, that's not quite accurate either. In a little way, in a tiny irrational hopeless obsessed way, I did expect that second line. I still do. 

It's in the bathroom, behind the towels. In case I want to check back later.    

November! Finally!

October is over. I'm still tense, waiting to see if November will hit us with the force of this past October. We've had so much going on the last thirty days.

It's the second of November and so far the remaining pets are still alive, no one is sick, no one is dead (again), and we got paid. Although we do have to go to a funeral Saturday. My husbands grandmother died October 31st. I guess that was the creme de la creme - in other words, the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camels back, the cherry on top - and every other corny phrase that basically means:

"can't shit just get better already?!"

It has to be better because my husband and I BD'd for the first time since the end of September. When we found out the baby had no heartbeat October 4th it was just weird to think about "doing it" with you know...yeah....

Then after the surgery I  was on two weeks of "pelvic rest" - no tampons, douches or penises - Doctor's own words.

November 1st we did "it"! Without a condom. Which is a little nerve wracking because... well if you've been reading you know the because. If you not, let me fill you in: Missed miscarriage in October at 10 weeks, then D&C, then first cycle October 22nd, then we were told wait another cycle to start trying.

I'm only 22 days from the D&C. I've had one cycle. I'm scrounging around baby bump forums reading about others getting pregnant after a D&C. There is sooooo much conflicting information out there.

For today I've decided to take the "if I'm ready it will happen if I'm not it won't" approach. Because after all, what the hell else can I do?

6 Weeks

"Try again in December." That's what the doctor said. "It'll go by fast, with the holidays."

My husband said, "It's a little over one month. It's not long." 

This is exactly how long it is:
It is 4,205,648 seconds
It is 70,094 minutes 
It is 1,169 hours
It is 48 days
It is 6 weeks

What am I going to do for 6 weeks? It feels like an eternity. 

This may sound dramatic, but you can't look at someone dying of thirst and say, "wait 6 more weeks, you'll be fine. Just focus on something else for a little while." Does that person just stop being thirsty? No. I wouldn't think so.

The Heron

My husband and I had to attend a democratic thing. A dinner. No, correction. A "roundup." 

"What's a Democratic Roundup?" My husband asked the girls in the front office. That's what we call them, The Girls. Even though one is old enough to be our grandmother. They giggled at him. They always giggle at him. Even when he's throwing a tantrum - which sometimes happens. 

"It's where you wear your best cowboy boots and hat," the youngest of The Girls said. Only she said it where the word "hat" sounded like "haaaiit." You know, fake country, long and drawn out. "Then you eat BBQ and cornbread." Again, fake country. Long and drawn out. 

Turns out she wasn't far off. There was a "Best Dressed Cowboy," and "Best Dressed Cowgirl" award for the night. And we ate brisket with BBQ sauce. 

Driving to the "roundup" the two lane blacktop curves around, hugging what is like a wet meadow. Standing in the glassy water was a heron. I was driving, and caught just a brief glimpse as we sped past. I would not have seen the bird at all if my husband hadn't stirred in the seat beside me. "Here lately I've seen that bird every time I come through here." 

"I don't remember ever seeing that bird," I said. 
"I do, I've seen it every time lately."
"Maybe it's just you."

He laughed, "I'll call it Cooper." 
"Good ol' Coop," it was my turn to laugh.

Later, after dinner, thinking about the heron I Googled "heron symbolism." 

Apparently Native Americans believe herons represent the ability to move forward, they also represent lessons in patience.

Coincidence? Maybe. 

Then again, my husband is Native American.  

CD2

I have never been so excited see AF.

All the melancholy, morose feelings were gone. Thank you Jesus. I'm normal.

I'm officially counting now. Monday was the day. The real first cycle day. And today is CD2.

If you don't know what AF or CD2 means, let me explain. If you do know, were you as shocked as I was to learn all the acronyms and abbreviations on the internet for women TTC'ing, or, in other words, trying to conceive? It's a whole new language!

Some of my favorites are:
CD - Cycle day
O- Ovulation
AF- Aunt Flow
DPO - Days past ovulation
CM - Cervical mucus (gross I know, but you get surprisingly wrapped up in what your mucus looks like during the TWW)
TWW - Two week wait (that painfully agonizing two weeks post ovulation before you can get your BFP)
BFP - big fat positive
BFN - big fat negative

Those are just a few, there's a whole host of baby bump related letters. I'm a pregnancy forum stalking junkie.