I Miscarried.

My phone rang this morning at 8:32.  

I answered it. 

"Is this Robyn?"

"Yes."

"Hi Robyn I'm calling for some background info before your ultrasound today." 

Oh shit. 

My 20 week ultrasound. I made the appointment my 7th week of pregnancy. Almost three weeks before the  missed miscarriage. I assumed the hospital would cancel it. I didn't want to cancel it. I didn't take it off the calender on my phone. I left it on my calender at work. Self torture maybe? Objective acquired. 

I couldn't bring myself to erase the last vestiges of being pregnant. Maybe I wanted to pretend I was still pregnant. Like I would, on a subconscious level look at my calender and pretend I'd see the baby that day. My subconscious and the hospital didn't get the memo that there was no baby. 

My caller sounded so damn chipper. So fucking proud of himself for making this phone call. For getting "some background info." Well here's some background info for you - I miscarried that baby. 

He was mortified. I could tell. His reaction reminded me of someone backing out of a room after walking in on some unspeakable act. Like the gym coach banging the principal's secretary. That kind of stumbling awkwardness. 

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." It's not. It never is, is it?

"Thanks for your time."

"Sure." 

Click.

Brought To You By First Response

I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant this cycle. Scratch that. I'm not fucking pregnant. And not being pregnant is pretty hard to think about.

DPO after DPO - and nothing. I hated coming to this blog with nothing to write about.

My boobs aren't sore.
I'm not bloated.
I've got just as much gas as I would any other day of the month.
No metal taste in the mouth.
No implantation cramps.
No implantation bleeding.
My cervix is like a yo-yo- there's no rhyme or reason to that damn thing.
Cervical mucus? Hell I think I always have cervical mucus. 

Two BFNs. One at 10 DPO and one at 12DPO. 

Not. Fucking. Pregnant. 

This message brought to you by First Response. 

Missed Opportunity

And one more thing, I fell asleep Sunday night! We were supposed to DTD, BD, rock the boat, bump pelvics, do the dance - MAKE A BABY! I can't believe after all the angsting and counting and PEEING I fell asleep! We got home from our holiday travel and I freaking crashed. So we only had sex once. The day I got the positive OPK.

HOLIDAYS! I never been so frustrated with the opportunity to eat chocolate pie in my entire life.

Go. Or No Go. Which Is It People?!

Let me preface this story by saying the OBGYN I picked first couldn't perform my D&C. So I had to call another one who could. I've been seeing the second OB for post-op check ups, but I had planned on returning to my first OB when I get pregnant again.  Had planned, being the key phrase here.

I called my first OBGYN, the one I liked, and told the nurse we were trying again. I was happy about it. Triumphant even. It was an "I'm back bitch!" kind of moment. 

The nurse freaked out. 

She said it was impossible for me to have had two periods this soon. I had the D&C October 12, I had my first period October 22. My second period came along November 13. She actually said, "...let me get this straight..."

I know what "let me get this straight," means. It means bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. 

She said, and I quote, "I am going to bet you that what you think was your first period wasn't your period."

Uh, excuse me? I know what a period feels like and I'm sure I had two. That's one thing my body does that's not so much a mystery any more-that bleeding once a month thing. 

Plus, I'm not overly used to being told I'm wrong. From anyone. I'm the one with the answers right? I'm the one in control....right? Right???? Dead wrong. Not this time. Not here. Not in these miserable moments of TTC. 

Our conversation after that turned into one of those childish he said she said moments and I said, "but my other OB said that it did sound like my period and she said it was normal." 

And the nurse said, "But obviously your cycles are still off because your second period came too quick."

And I said, "But my other OB said that was fine, and she's having me come to the lab on Monday to check my progesterone levels."

And the nurse said, "Surely she doesn't think you'll be pregnant." 

And finally she ended the argument with a roundhouse kick to my face, "I recommend you not try again until February." 

I cried after that phone call in my office. And then I didn't check my makeup and went to court. Total mascara fail.

Cover Girl let me down.  

If there's any moral or point to this story it would be this, sometimes you have to go with your gut. 

We're picking the advice we like the best and screw the other one.

First TWW 1 DPO: Continued

From 9:30 am to 2:30pm the symptoms are as follows:
Boobs: nothing
CM: dry
Cervix: High, soft, closed
Temp: I don't temp
OPK: I think I'm done testing
Cramps: Twinges every now and then

NOTE: Yesterday I had a headache and tons of the right kind of CM around 12:30pm. 

Conclusion: no symptoms.

Look I'm not an idiot, I know there's like zero chance of having any pregnancy symptoms at 1 DPO. But I've got to do something to pass the time. 

First TWW: 1 DPO &....Mars

Officially in the first Two Week Wait. Meaning, I had a surge, we BD'd, I think I O'd yesterday, so today is Day 1. 

No, I don't temp. Not yet. And yes, we only BD'd  once this cycle. The day I got the positive. We were at my mom's okay, stop judging.

This is going to be, hopefully, a running commentary full of what I'm sure will be a crazy symptom spotting, boob squeezing, mucus checking, dialogue with myself. And today is Day 1. 

I woke at 8:30 am. Sunday. I woke up tired. Okay. I fixed breakfast (pop tarts- I know, go me), cleaned the kitchen, and started a load of laundry. 

9:30 am. My husband walked into the kitchen with his plastic Star Wars cup that he uses as a coffee cup. Yes we have coffee cups. We have a ton of coffee cups. He just likes that cup. 

He walked into the kitchen and popped out the old K-cup. We have one of those cool at first then later impossibly annoying and expensive Keurig coffee makers. I mean, $10 for a box of 10 coffee K-cups! He popped in a new cup, snapped the lid shut, and punched the button. Our Keurig coffee maker sounds like it's lifting off when it's fixing a brew. 

BRRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRRBRBRBRBRBRRGLGUGLGUGLUG g guggugugugg guzzle hiiiiiiisssssssssssss.   

Steam curled off the top of Obi Wan's head and I saw the plastic cup melt a little. No, he doesn't care that he's melting a perfectly good one dollar plastic cup from the Dollar Store. Nor does he care about  the flecks of paint and plastic melting into his coffee.   

"We're in the two week wait," I said to him. 

No, he doesn't know what that means.

His response? He found evidence of life on Mars. 

How does a wife react to a husband who seriously thinks he discovered life on Mars? 

"That's nice." 

"You don't believe me."

Well no... "It's not that I don't believe you... I just don't...," care, "...think it's that big of a deal." 

If the NASA rover discovered a stash of Martians planning a Martian New Year's Eve party I wouldn't give two shits so long as I was still getting BFN's. 

"You'll see," he said, "When NASA makes the announcement, I was the first one to know!" 

"Okay hun." ....Meanwhile....Oh my god my boobs feel sore! 

Number Crunching: TTC

22 hours from positive OPK to first sign of really wet CM.

8 hours from positive OPK to BD.

3 hours from positive OPK to negative OPK.

19 hours between negative OPK to positive OPK.

14 hours between BD and first sign of really wet CM.

10:30pm time of sex.

11:00pm earliest time the sperm entered uterus per Webmd.

November 25, 2012 @ 2:30am is 36 hours from positive OPK.

November 24, 2012 @ 2:30pm is 24 hours from positive OPK.

November 24, 2012 @ 2:30am is 12 hours from positive OPK.

If I ovulated 12 hours from the positive OPK the sperm was technically waiting for 3.5 hours. Plenty of time for the sperm to prepare and penetrate the ovum. If I ovulated 24 hours from positive OPK the sperm was waiting for 15 hours. This is still within a 24 hour period, the sperm should be capable of penetrating.

If I have sex at 10:30 tonight and I ovulate 36 hours from the positive OPK then the sperm will be waiting around 3.5 hours.

I'm gathering up eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, and birthday candles.